The Thief of God's Glory

Part 1
"The proud person seeks to glorify himself and not God, thereby attempting in effect to deprive God of something only He is worthy to receive." - Mahaney

I am terribly proud. I reek of arrogance and haughtiness. A certain story in Mark 10 tells of James and John, Jesus' disciples asking Him, who will sit on His right and left, when He establishes His kingdom.
When I first read this, I thought it was so ridiculous. How could anyone ask Jesus, how they will be glorified through him? as opposed to the other way around.
Yet how often do I do this? I found myself just this evening looking for a good bible verse to share on social media, just to show off my knowledge of scripture, and diligence in reading the word. Here I am wearing the face of James and John. It is no wonder why God hates pride so much. We are openly proclaiming that we are more deserving of glory than Him.
God forgive me for trying to put myself on the same level as you. You are supreme. You are worthy of all the Glory. I have much to be humble about.

Words

PART 1
With parting words stating, "It is so necessary though" A part of me wanders, was it really so terrible? This is my pride. The roots stretch deep. I know I was expecting her to be the one part of good in my life. My rescue. So I will start there. "God is my refuge, a very present help in time of need." When did I make Rachel my God, when was this okay? How do I remove her as my idol? How do I recenter on God?

PART 2
I have always been proud that I have been mailable, able to change to meet the needs of others. But what happens when someone asks Who I am? Independent of any situation, or people. Apart from the desire to please or impress. Who am I?

PART 3
"Don't try to over-think or over-spiritualize this." the final thing I realize is that I do over think, I don't understand what the over spiritualize part means. So I won't focus on that right now. So part 3 means stripping away the unnecessary thoughts stream steadily throughout the day. How do I simply live here now, without playing over old conversations, or thinking up new situations. I feel like I have manufactured a version of myself to live, while I am thinking up new scenarios. What does it mean to be in this moment, now.

There is probably much more that could be rooted out, but I think this is a good place to start.

Psalms 13

To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

 How long must I take counsel in my soul

and have sorrow in my heart all the day?

How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and answer me, O Lord my God;

light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,

lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,”

lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

 But I have trusted in your steadfast love;

my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.

 I will sing to the Lord,

because he has dealt bountifully with me.(2)

Nothing is more killing to a soul than the want of God's favor; 

nothing more reviving than the return of it.(5)

It is a constant battle. a war that will never end till Christ has completed us on the day of Resurrection. That question is always on our mind, that question should always be on our mind.
Where is God? Are you near me Lord? Each day a new thought stirred by a different emotion. We are fickle beings. Our mind and body age, but our heart stays young. From the moment it begins beating until the moment it stops, the human heart works tirelessly. The heart yearns for intensity whether through the excitement of joy or the distraught of sorrow; it is awoken by movement.
I must say I am inclined to follow such a stirring muscle group.
When troubles come it is easy to succumb to the desire to mold to the emotion attached. "How long O Lord? Will you forget me forever?(2) Our heart tells us with such confidence that the misery that is ever present is a direct cause from a growing distance between God and us. How easy it is to believe such an atrocity when our heart screams the feeling insanely. In such moments I must turn to my soul. For my soul knows that Christ will never leave me or forsake me. The Lord has called me out of my sins4 and has dealt bountifully with me.2 So I must lean on my soul for it knows the joy that comes from the salvation Jesus has given me. Despite the every raging thought, that I am at fault, for my sins are clamoring to be free, those closest to me have forsaken me, and my heart screams my God is far from me. Oh, how I must take refuge in the foundations that Christ has given me in him. My soul knows that the lord my God goes with me and He will never forsake me.(1) But for how long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? Will I live in misery always?

     The conclusion I find myself clinging to is that if my hand causes me to sin then it must be cut off,(3) if my emotions cause me to stray I can no longer follow them. If I am to live with an ever lingering sadness, then so be it, for my soul knows. I can hold to the promise that as I trust in your steadfast love, oh God, that one day, I can hold to the thought where my heart and my soul align, where my desires fade and yours will shine, and from the depth of my being, my heart shall rejoice with my soul, the joy in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord for He has dealt bountifully with me.(2) finally when I am asked Where is my Lord, my heart will respond He is here, my father always is.

-ks


(1) Deuteronomy 31:6
(2) Psalms 13
(3) Mark 9:43
(4) Deuteronomy 7:6
(5) Matthew Henry (1662-1712)